Painkillers

What a word! What a concept! What a letdown. Talk about hyperbolic advertising. But I guess names like Painnibblers or Brainstunners, while more truthful, do not have quite the cache.

I am just coming off of a prolonged stint of trying the latest in pain-blocker meds. The results, while temporarily helpful, turned out to be untenable for the long-term. As many of you Chronics (and Spors) out there know, medication is always hit-and-miss. Unfortunately, I tend towards the whiff side of the action most of the time. If there is an obscure adverse side effect attached to the meds, I’ll suffer from it. Entertaining? You bet. (Whoo-hoo! Here comes another one of those unintended mood-swings! Watch out below!). Helpful? Not so much. Which is why, for the last few months, I have been drug-free. That’s right. Nada. Nothing. Zip. First time in I don’t know how many years. And you know what? It sucks. It sucks big time. But it sucks in a way that I hadn’t expected. And that’s where it gets interesting.

I had always suspected that these side issues with the meds had to be impacting how they actually worked. I pictured my body to be like a TV with bad reception: all that interference had to be affecting the quality of the product. And to some extent, I guess I was right. The pain levels, day to day, have not increased drastically since I stopped taking the pain-blockers. As an added bonus, the fuzzies are lower than they had been in years. Its like someone has opened up a window in my head and let out all the stale air. I feel like I’ve gotten part of my soul back.

But – and there always is a “but”, unfortunately – the mental gains are coming at a cost. Turns out that all those meds I had been taking were helping. They had been stabilizing the pain without my being aware of it. Yes, the day-to-day pain isn’t so different. But the spikes? Holy crap, the spikes are dreadful. And they are occurring much more frequently now. At this point, my body is so weak from the ups and downs that it seems like the slightest change in weather can send me spiraling; perfect for the spring we’ve been having. During an episode, I can’t bear to stay still, the pain is so bad, but of course, I can’t move much either. Plus, irony of ironies, being more clear-headed now just makes it worse. Fuzzies, fuzzies, where are you when I need you? Ah, but when the pain spike fades and my normal returns, life seems so much better than when I was medicated. So, what to do? Prevent the pain and dull the mind, or keep a clearer head and take the consequences? It’s a choice between the devil and the deep blue sea.